Hello 2017

For someone who writes for a living, I have been extremely remiss in updating my personal blog. Lol. I have not written a single blog post in more than year. Hopefully, my schedule lets up this year and allow me some personal writing time.

2016 has been infinitely better than 2015 and 2014. For that, I am extremely thankful to the Lord above for bestowing favors in me. My kids have grown up so fast. They got their share of sickness and maladies but nothing major, I sigh in great relief.

Work has been steady. I’ve learned a lot of new skills. My writing has gotten better. I have become more adept at project management. What I should improve on is my juggling skills. I should practice the art of doing six things at the same time. For now, I can only manage four. Hahaha.

My personal triumphs in 2016 has been with my community service. I am so happy spending most of my free time (including others) helping the underprivileged sectors of the society. I have been to places that will set you back to 20 years prior where access to schools and even necessities like water and electricity is difficult. I’ve met a lot school aged kids who think you’re Santa Claus for giving them slippers or school supplies. My heart definitely broke for those severely wasted Grade 7 kids who look like they’re just Grade 2 pupils.

2016 was also the year that I spearheaded JCI Bai Lawanen’s school to school advocacy- Husto Na: Zero Tolerance for Bullies (anti-bullying campaign). This campaign won the Merit Awards during the 2016 Mindanao Convention Gawad Awards and the Best Education for Peace Award in the 2016 JCI Philippines National Convention Temiong Awards. This year, we will continue with this advocacy and pair it with other worthwhile advocacy like Responsible Use of Social Media.

2017 will again be a busy year for me. In a month’s time, it’s going to be our induction. In March, my only daughter will officially become a teenager (OMG!). And of course, I’ll turn a year older too.

I’ll end this post with a link to our video shoot almost a year ago.

JCI Bai Lawanen 2016 Board of Directors

 

 

 

 

 

About Aging Gracefully

In the last two months, I’ve dropped at least 15 lbs.

At first, I was happy that I was losing weight without doing my usual zumba and running routine. Then my clothes have gotten a little big for me. Now I’m having a hard time looking for clothes that won’t look like I’ve raided someone else’s closet.

It took a while for me to notice the weight loss. Perhaps, I was just too preoccupied or stressed out. But then people who I would see often began commenting about it.

The sad truth is I lost weight because I’ve lost appetite. I’m now forcing myself to eat several spoonful of food to avoid fainting from lack of nutrition.I rarely eat breakfast. And when I’m just at home I’m content with just coffee. And cigarettes when the kids are not around.

What’s not good about losing appetite is that I’m suffering from a lot of maladies. Migraines and gastric pains are now part of my daily routine. I no longer have healthy skin. If I honestly assess myself, I look gaunt and sickly. I look like I’m suffering from some deadly illness. And my skin is starting to sag. Ewww! For someone my age, this is something to be avoided… at all cost. =)

So now, I’m trying to limit my night outs to a minimum. Very difficult to do when you’re insomniac. I’m trying to eat at least 2-3 meals a day. I’m hoping I can go back to dancing so I can keep myself toned.

And if all else fails, perhaps it’s time for me to befriend this thing called… MAKE UP. 😉

Sad

 

A perfectly apt word to describe what I was feeling last night until the wee hours of the morning.

A bad business decision cost me a few friends I considered dear and acquired me some financial obligations that are very difficult to swallow. It was unfortunate enough that I had to man up and accept the responsibilities of the group. When in fact it was their collective agreement regarding the place and their inability to help out as a team that sealed our fate. What makes it equally distressing was the fact that they seem to have collective amnesia and lay all the blame on me.

And the worst? I don’t know who among them had the gall to bad mouth me after all the things that happened. The situation is really critical and I can’t sleep and eat because I have been under extreme stress lately.

Ugh! To be betrayed by the people I’d willingly risk my life for. I’ve cut my limbs for them… Now they want the whole torso.

I’m hurt by the betrayal. I’m mad at the allegations. But despite it all, I’m glad they’re no longer my friends. If I have friends like that, I no longer need enemies. They have just forgotten one tiny factor. I have survived a devastating heartbreak a few years back, I’d survived everything after that.

And so I’m ending my post with this:

 

 

q

Unfaithful

Why is it so difficult for most people to be loyal to a loved one?

Last Valentine’s day, I attended a turnover ceremony. It was uneventful until a distraught girlfriend who flew in from the States gatecrashed the occasion in search of her erstwhile boyfriend who already left  with the other woman. Sad to say, the other woman happened to be a good friend of mine who, despite countless unsolicited advices from concerned friends, continued to see this guy who is old enough to be her father.

But let me back track a bit.

Mr. Suave is in a long term relationship with distraught gf who happens to be in the States for several months already. He met my friend, the impressionable girl, and wasted no time getting to know her. Right from the start, we were concerned for our friend because we believed that Mr. Suave is taking advantage of her naivety. But she was happy and the guy was smooth enough to make her believe that she was the one he really wanted and that he would be breaking up with the girlfriend soon.

But it did not happen. Mr. Suave was not discreet. He and Impressionable girl were seen almost everywhere and in no time, Distraught GF became suspicious and “pm-ed” everyone on FB about the real story. Most people had her “seen zoned” but one friend (sarcasm intended) was “concerned” enough to send her screen shots of Mr. Suave and Impressionable girl together and feed her half lies. This alarmed Distraught GF so much that she decided to drop everything and came rushing home.

After the initial drama, everything seems to be smooth sailing for Mr. Suave and Distraught GF. I just can’t believe the gall of this unfaithful spineless son of a gun. He left Impressionable Girl in the cold. He, who’s more than twice the age of my friend, washed his hands and left her with the mess.

But then… I can’t blame him too. Impressionable girl knew about distraught gf though he fed her lies that he was extremely unhappy with distraught gf. If I were in her shoes, I would not give him the time of day knowing he’s committed to someone else. Because my take is- if he can cheat on her with me, he can definitely cheat on me with someone else. Plus it has already been proven time and time again that a leopard never changes its spots so if he’s a cheater, he will likely stay as one. But then, I’m not my friend. =(

Issues about fidelity always remind me of Rihanna’s song- Take a bow. To quote a few lines:

“Baby don’t tell me you’re sorry coz you’re not. Baby you’re only sorry you get caught. But you put on quite a show. Really entertaining.”

As what my friend Ted said just recently: “Walang mangloloko kung walang magpapaloko.”

2014

The year 2014 ended nastily for me.

2 months after, I am still reeling from the aftershocks that The Year of The Wooden Horse brought me. It actually started out uneventfully. Things started going from bad to worst mid year.

It all started when my Paypal account got limited due to suspicious behavior. Since I do Paypal funds exchange, this was a big blow to me income wise. Another factor that was very difficult for me to bear was the fact that my online clients have difficulty paying me because of this restriction. Until now, I am still in the process of revoking the limits on my Paypal account.

Second, I got a nasty case of writer’s block. For someone who uses words for a living (to borrow Miriam Santiago’s quote) this problem is of catastrophic proportions. I have to turn down several lucrative ebook deals and writing gigs. I tried passing it to old members of my team but unfortunately nothing good came out of it (everything had to be discarded or rejected due to lack of substance or severe grammatical errors that no amount of proofreading could ever make it good except for a few research papers I entrusted my good friend Lea to make) so I just have to stop accepting writing offers lest my credibility and ratings might go down.

Third, 2014 was my year of non-paying clients. To date, I have a total of 5 non-paying clients-2 long terms and if you add up what they owe me, it’s enough to pay for a surplus Honda Fit.

December was the worst month ever in my life. Aside from the fact I got duped, a business partnership went sour, almost got date raped, overdosed on anti-depressants, a beloved aunt drowned during typhoon Seniang, it was the fact that friends I’ve let in my innermost circle turned out to be fair weathered friends. So sad really. I lost 3 close friends who I thought will have my back when the going gets tough.

If these things didn’t happen to me, I would have never believed that someone could be as unfortunate as I was. Indeed truth is stranger than fiction. There were so many times that I wanted to throw in the towel, but always, there’s this little voice inside of me, prodding me to get up and fight.

Yes, 2014 was the worst year of my life but I am still thankful. I am thankful for having healthy kids. Nope, we didn’t get to check in at a hospital this year. I am thankful that after 13 years, we get to transfer to our own house. It’s a work in progress and it’s quite far from the city, but it is a home that we could really call our own. I am thankful that though some chose to leave, I still have a bevy of loyal and wonderful friends who are willing to stand by me through thick and thin. =)

Best of all, year 2014 taught me how strong I was to have survived everything and lived to tell this tale.

Not Looking Back

I was fuming mad last night. Today, I decided to get rid of all the negativity and just enjoy my life. To hell with people who have nothing better to do than put me down. It doesn’t actually make you feel better to put me down. It just shows what kind of a person you are. 😉

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Blogging is my way of releasing pentup anger, emotions and frustrations. 

Change of Perspective

Funny what a few days or weeks can do to change your perspective.

I used to believe that people are basically good. I used to believe that people with good breeding will always show class no matter what the situation is. I used to believe that despite any situation, a man will always be a man- show respect to a woman no matter how much he thinks poorly of her. True, I have kissed a lot of frogs in my life. I was glad to call them lessons in life.

Unlike the last one. I got hurt but being the fickle minded person that I was, I was able to bounce back in no time. I decided to just let go of everything and get back on track. In fact, I was even stupid enough to think that we could be friends. Haha tough luck. This guy is of a different class altogether. Not only was he a paranoid S.O.B who thinks so highly of himself, he was of the kiss and tell kind who would rant and air out dirty linen. He thought that every post I made was for him when it wasn’t. People close to me would know I also do random posts of lyrics, quotes, poems and sonnets I have taken a fancy of. I liked him a lot. I thought he was as honest as I was. Imagine my surprise when I asked him a question and caught him red handedly lying to me. I didn’t care if he was dating another as long as he was being honest about it. But he tried to be elusive which made it difficult for me to continue where we left off .

Yeah. Boytoy was actually the worst of the lot. What a waste really. But instead of getting mad at him, I’m laughing at myself for my worsening  taste in guys. Jaded me always seem to fall for that type. Well… well… well… a bitter pill to swallow but at least it’s over and done with.

If there’s one thing I am- I always mean what I say. I meant it when I said to him that I’m glad that everything is going fine with him. I was sincere when I offered him friendship. It’s funny really to have “so called guys”  having a jolly good time at my expense. Oh well…got really blind sided by the person I thought he was. I thought he was someone worth knowing and despite the fact that I knew right from the start that we have an expiration date, I was expecting we’d end up as friends since we started out as friends. Obviously not. But to hell with boys like him. For someone who is so allergic to issues and innuendos, he was a master at creating a public spectacle of himself… even without my help. He was great and entertaining…. when not drunk. Fortified with alcohol, he’s another story to tell. He’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide. I guess the term bipolar fits him to a t.

He has always told me that I was very good to him. Yet, imagine the appalling way he has treated me. I wonder how he would treat people indifferent to him. Out from his own mouth, I was good to him yet he has publicly humiliated me and confronted my friends. What makes it even sadder is that his friends are joining him in all these hoopla. I guess the term “birds of the same feather” is applicable to them.

I tried to ignore everything but he has backed me in a corner and  given me no choice but to fight back and unsheathe my claws. I’m through being nice and all. I’ve always been a bitch and thank you for reminding me that.

Mr Wrong

It’s been 7 months since my last blog post.’7 months of trying to bottle everything inside. There were several attempts to start on a new post. But they were just that. Attempts. That didn’t come to fruition.

So why write once again? Back in the old days, writing and sharing my innermost thoughts have been therapeutic for me. It was my coping mechanism. I have been battling depression and dealing with all sorts of problems and writing has been my escape route.

2014 has been the worst year in my 35 years of existence. I’ve experienced the highest of highs and lowest of lows last year. I experienced what it is to give love another chance only to witness it fall into pieces a few months later. Time was kinder this time as I have been given the opportunity to meet someone else midway through the year.

I was wary of the speed that I fell for someone so soon after I ended my previous relationship. But I got blindsided by his boyish charms and sort of innocent ways. Though instinct were screaming for me to take things slowly this time, I succumbed to this attraction hook, line and sinker.

And I thought I was wiser this time. Commitment was something I did not need. I set the pace with this guy. I imposed rules that I thought would protect me from future pain. What I did not see coming was the fact that my self imposed restrictions on this kind of setup would backfire and hurt me in the end.

Because the agreement that we have has put me in the position of the meantime girl. What it means is that we are not binded by commitment to nurture and grow the relationship. We meet when it was convenient for us though lately, I have to make a lot of arrangements just so I can accommodate his otherwise super hectic schedule.

I demanded privacy and secrecy. He agreed to it. I did not expect I’d be so frustrated by the limited instances that we could meet openly in public. I came to resent the fact that we could never go out publicly on a date for fear of people finding out about us. Common friends speculated but only a few knew the truth about us.

Worst of all, because there’s no commitment involved, it has given us the license to see other people. I thought at the start it would be advantageous on my part since that would mean there would be no cheating involved this time. It was too late in the game that I found out that my perception of the no commitment thingie was vastly different from how the guy I was seeing viewed it. Unfortunately that so called agreement was full of grey areas that are now haunting me.

Truth be told, things would have worked just fine if we just abided to the usual time frame for this kind of relationship. Now we are 4 months too late to end this charade. Unknowingly, I have invested on emotions I could not afford to give to someone else because over time I’ve come to care for this guy more than he deserves. It’s either you go gung hu for commitment or just play games but end it before it has really began. There’s no way a relationship can work without commitment. No way at all.

And now it’s too late. The relationship is just about to end. And I know I won’t be escaping it unscathed. It’s too late for me to say I’m done playing games.

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I wasnt too quick to judge feelings based on misconceptions. I wish I ended things before I started caring for this guy. I wished my jaded heart didn’t pick this time to start caring for someone else once again.

Coz yet again, I’m chalking up another Mr. Wrong when He could have been Mr. Right.

I Survived Monday

It was one problem after another. And their weight was of mammoth proportions. Hearing distressing news about the ex would have not affect me as much if if I know the kids wouldn’t be affected by the latest shenanigans of the man who sired them. I just hope the kids will never find out about this.

Second, my mother was scheduled to undergo a surgical procedure to remove blood clotting on her uterus. She was hesitant to do that so she went for a second opinion. Turned out the ob-gyne who conducted the second consultation wanted her to have her uterus removed altogether. We could not use her Caritas just yet as I have consulted them and they told us that surgical procedures and operations will only be covered on the 3rd year. According to the doctor, this will set us back by 85K.

Aside from the fact that my mom really hates the hospital  (a fact that was intensified when my only daughter Dion almost died because of dengue 2 years ago) and that she’s not absolutely certain that an operation is what she needs, I’m sure that the astronomical cost of the operation was also making her hesitate. I told her not to worry about it because I know that we can find ways to cover the expenses. I still hope that when she goes for 3rd opinion tomorrow, it will be to agree on any of the opinions presented by the 2 doctors.

Third, I was looking forward to being with this someone I like but for no apparent reason (other than the obvious fact that he’s no longer in to me-ouch but the truth nevertheless) he ceased communicating with me. This actually made me sad because he was the only one who can make me giggly like a teen. It’s just as well as being with someone right now has to take a back seat for me as there are so many priorities I have to attend to. But darn it…. I wanted to get to know him better despite the distance as he’s the only one I find interesting among the bevy of male acquaintances I have.

Good thing, I’m still on the “seriously crushing” stage, otherwise, I might be picking the broken pieces of my heart (or what’s left of it) once again. And good thing though that right from the start, I have been realistic to see that it would not work out for us in the long run so managing my disappointment would not be as hard. Now I know why the song  “Stay the Night” has been the #lss for me for the longest time. Boo! 😉 Still it cuts like a knife, baby and the pride is a little bruised.

(There’s a possibility that you might read this but I have always been honest and writing has been therapeutic for me…so yes… I am referring to you. You made me sad but I have always been good at letting  go when things have reached the dead end. You won’t be getting hysterics and tantrums from me. Instead, I thank you that you’ve made me happy…. even for awhile.)

Despite the disappointments and major problems though, I am expecting the rest of the year to be kinder to me. So the old adage “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger” is once again true for me. And with that, I am ending this blog post with a quote that my good friend, Enteng, has posted on Facebook…

 

 

 

What Blogging Gave Me

Work has taken a back seat for me for the past few weeks and since my latest trip to the Queen City of the South, I have been dealing with back logs and it’s taking me longer than usual to get a grip on things since I have to divide my time between work and being the full time yaya/nanny/helper/mommy of my 3 kids while helper1 is recuperating from sickness and helper2 gets back from vacation.

So….for the 3rd consecutive day, I woke up extra early so I can deal with my projects and at the same time prepare food for the kids. I’m almost done with the backlogs so I can start on my bookkeeping, a task that I don’t enjoy doing but is absolutely necessary to ensure that I am really earning from my various projects.

I remember I have gotten so much joy from blogging. It has been my way to express myself. It was my refuge from all the trials that I have been through. It was my way of expressing myself. Back then, I’ve kept everything close to my heart because I did not believe in airing out dirty linen to the public. Yup…. even at my saddest, I was careful in keeping up appearances for the sake of my kids so instead I wrote with a vengeance and expressed myself fully via my blog. My old blog was my passport to working online. A reader liked what she saw and offered me a job as her ghost writer and the rest they say is history.

So, for four years now, working online has been my bread and butter. From being a ghost writer, I have sharpened my skills and took online trainings and classes so I can include project management, email marketing, social media, SEO, general transcription, and leads generation to services I can offer to clients.

What I love most about working online is I get to arrange my schedule the way I want it. I love being able to work within the comforts of home since it means I get to spend more time with the kids. I love the fact that I can work without any thought or care about the clothes I wear (most times during early client meetings, I’ll just be on my pjs or night wear).

But what I love most about my work is also the thing I hated most about it. I hate being confined or closeted at home all the time. I missed talking and being with actual people. I mean Skype is an excellent tool for communicating with clients and staff but I still prefer being able to talk to people face to face. I miss my yosi breaks with my colleagues. =) I even missed the part where I am agonizing over what clothes to wear to work especially during business Mondays. Haha

Working online means you get your salary in full. No taxes to speak of. But it also means you have to pay for your own SSS, Pag-ibig, Philhealth and HMO. Working online also means that you miss the job security that comes with working traditionally. Yes….. you can lose your job at the blink of an eye. Yet, you can work anywhere. As long as you have a laptop and wifi, you can bring your work when you’re on vacation.

Will this be a lifelong commitment for me? Perhaps not. I want to explore the world and I have better chances of doing that if I work abroad. I also dream of migrating to a first world country so my kids can have the best that life has to offer. Previously, we have started working on our papers for Australia and I just might resume my application for the Land Down Under.

But it won’t be this year for me. I still have some pending personal projects and I don’t have the heart to leave Drew behind. Next year, he will start schooling so I might have the strength to leave him to seek greener pastures abroad. =)